Guide to College Students

Intellectual Superhero
Intellectual Superhero is neither an intellectual nor a superhero, but don’t tell him that. The Intellectual Superhero is easily identified by his total inability to allow a class period to pass by without asking at least 654 questions designed to show how “witty” and “clever” he is. He will attempt to prove the professor wrong in every class, regardless of the fact that the professor has a doctorate in the field. If it’s a science course, the Intellectual Superhero will attempt to solve every problem using an alternate method, which is always incorrect. But don’t worry; he’ll still manage to waste 20 minutes of your life with his insane method of solving the problem. At least you’ll get to laugh at him when the professor proves him wrong.

45 Year Old College Student with Two Kids
The 45 Year Old College Student with Two Kids is one of the more interesting personas found in the college classroom. This subject has returned to school in an attempt to better her life, which is a great endeavor. However, there are a few things about this person that will make you want to punch her in the face by the end of the semester. The 45-year-old college student with two kids must write down every word the professor says. This will cause the class to be peppered with calls of “can you repeat that” approximately every 0.23 seconds. Second, she must ask the most obvious questions, preferably ones the professor has already answered. Here’s an example:

Professor: So, in 1776 the United States was founded.
Old student: Okay, let me make sure I’m writing this down correctly. The US was founded in 1776, right?
Professor: 30 seconds of blank stare followed by: Yes.

If you are lucky enough to be in a small class where participation is required, you’ll be treated to such delights as “Well I have two kids and I think that [insert obvious statement here]” or “Ever since I’ve had my two kids, [insert fragmented sentence here].” As an added bonus, you’ll get to hear about all of her life experiences as a parole officer and about her last 5 marriages that ended in divorce.

Stupid Annoying Ritalin-Deprived Girl
Stupid Annoying Ritalin-Deprived Girl feels the need to enter into every single class discussion, completely disregarding the fact that she has nothing of substance to add to the conversation. Stupid Annoying Ritalin-Deprived Girl cannot construct a sentence without using the words “like” and “um” at least 12 times for every 2 other words. She always wears clothes that are too tight, and seems partial to gaudy rhinestone shirts with incredibly original phrases such as “Princess” strewn across the front. The only way to actually learn something in a class with the Stupid Annoying Ritalin-Deprived Girl is to distract her attention with a shiny object.

Johnny Frat Boy - or - Sally Sorority Chick
While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being in a Greek organization, some people take their involvement in these groups a little too seriously. These are the people who can’t go 2 consecutive days without wearing their shirts from some drinking party they went to last weekend. Johnny Frat Boy likes to brag about how many beers he slammed down on Tuesday night, while Sally Sorority Chick is too immaculate to be tarnished by your presence. In any case you shouldn’t worry about either of these two personality types because they only associate with each other.

Study Nazi
Study Nazi is in school for one reason: to get good grades. Unfortunately for Study Nazi, he’s not that bright and he struggles with his classes. That doesn’t stop him from letting everyone know how long he studied for that 5 question quiz though. Study Nazi, much like the Intellectual Superhero, will ask questions constantly during class. However, the Intellectual Superhero has some grasp of the material. Study Nazi, while he can quote his books and his notes verbatim, has no idea what any of it means. Under no circumstances should you approach Study Nazi outside of class. Doing so will only remind him that he’s losing valuable time that he could be using in the library and you might get hurt in his scramble to get there as quickly as possible.

Angst Ridden Silent Curve Destroyer
Angst Ridden Silent Curve Destroyer has nothing better to do than study. While the average of the rest of the class is a respectable 45%, Angst Ridden Silent Curve Destroyer has approximately a 1351% in the course, thereby totally destroying any chance you had of passing the class. Angst Ridden Silent Curve can be identified by his all black clothing and pasty white skin what hasn’t seen the light of day in 15 years. He’ll usually have a CD player or perhaps an iPod, and you can usually find him listening to the latest Depeche Mode or the Cure CD, because they’re the only ones who know his pain. He may be human, but in fact he’s more likely to be some kind of magic robot.

Highly Odorous Foreign Computer Science Major
Highly odorous foreign computer science major is the reason that you don’t want to go to class. He bathes roughly once every leap year and wears the same clothes for half a semester at a time. No matter how far away you get from him the stench seems to travel across the room and assault your nostrils. Highly odorous foreign computer science major has only the smallest grasp of the English language, and he will often ask questions that make little to no sense and lack any sort of “grammatical structure.” He’s the only character that can actually give Angst Ridden Silent Curve Destroyer a run for his money on the intellectual scale, but that’s only because he was probably born with knowledge of linear algebra and discreet math.

Agenda Assailer
The Agenda Assailer has (surprise!) an agenda to push on everyone else. If you’re in a science class you’ll get to hear about how the scientist who discovered some principle was a racist or misogynist and therefore his scholarly work is somehow tainted. Even though the rest of the class is just there to learn about science, the Agenda Assailer will attempt to turn every class into a political debate. Here’s an example from a history class:

Professor: Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.
AA: How can you even SAY that?!?!?!?! He owned slaves!!!
Professor: Well, yes. But he still wrote it.
AA: Well then he’s a hypocrite and we should THROW OUT the Declaration of Independence!!!

The Anime Freak
Anime Freak is somewhat of a rarity outside of computer science and/or Japanese courses. However, you still might encounter one in some humanities cores. The Anime Freak will always be wearing button down shirts with a dragon or some kind of Dragonball Z character on it. Also, anything with Japanese writing on it is always cool in the eyes of Anime Freak, even if it makes absolutely no sense. Do not approach the Anime Freak outside of class, unless you want to run into a situation like this:

You: what’s up?
AF: I think episode 185 of [insert horribly obscure anime show here] is the best because they use the Power of the Light to slay the dragon beast and save the city from total destruction!!!
You: Um… I have to go.

Major Elitist
No, he’s not in the military! All blatantly bad jokes aside, the Major Elitist is generally some type of science or engineering major who looks down on anyone who might even think about getting a humanities or business degree. After all, we all know that the only thing that’s important is science. All that other mamby-pansy stuff like “History” or “English” or “the world economy” is just a bunch of feel-good rhetorical bullshit anyway.

Non-Conformist Conformist
The Non-Conformist Conformist is an interesting species. While he tries to “fight the man,” he is unable to do so without conforming to another group. The Non-Conformist Conformist can be easily identified by his Rage Against the Machine or Che Guevara t-shirt and dark green corduroy pants. During the winter he will be wearing a military field coat from Germany with a patch on the side, and he often carries a wallet on a chain. You can identify him in the classroom because he’ll feel the need to share with the class his opinions of pop culture. He’ll use a condescending tone of voice because he’s better than little sheep like you. That’s all right though because whether it be the punk, goth, or any other subculture, the Non-Conformist Conformist declares boldly, “I choose to not fit in by fitting in with a DIFFERENT group!”

Fashion Monger
Fashion Monger is on the bleeding edge of fashion! While owning some clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch or American Eagle is A-Okay, Fashion Monger’s whole wardrobe has been purchased in these two stores. Apparently, it’s “hip” and “with it” to pay 55 dollars for jeans that already have holes in them and look like they’ve been sitting in bleach for 3 days. And, as we all know, 12 dollars for an undershirt is a completely reasonable price. Nothing says, “I have too much money and not enough common sense” like buying clothes that are already “worn in.” And by “worn in” I actually mean "beat to shit."