Back to College Pt.1 - The Road Trip
Horses don't go to college, but I bet if they did they'd hate the drive back, unless of course they were accompanied by another horse that would give them road head, in which case the drive would only rank amongst Bon Jovi on a scale of gayity; for humans head from a horse would prove less enjoyable, therefore, it is necessary for us to look in other directions to help make these long drives more bearable. The following objects and pieces of advice are that necessary injection of badassery needed in your trips:
*Sunflower seeds - It becomes a mission to dominate the bag, breaking open each individual seed, enjoying the awesome that is the seed, and spitting the shell out. The complexity of it all will keep you focused on doing the task at hand rather than the road which will easily shed hours off your time.
*Dane Cook - Hands down the funniest comic ever. Hit up amazon.com and buy his audio CDs or download them off of Shareaza, ares, limewire, or any P2P file sharing software. I've listened to his first CD roughly 76 times, and I still love it, trust me. A close second is the late Mitch Hedberg who will help pass the time just as well.
*Gatorade - Now, this is a 2 part gimmick. 1)Enjoying a refreshing gatorade which will fuel you with whatever the hell an electrolyte is. 2) 1 hour later you will kill 30 minutes as you: spend 10-15 minutes deliberating whether or to pull over or bite the bullet and piss in the bottle (must be pictured bottle type for any success), 5 minutes mentally preparing yourself once you've made the decision to piss in the bottle, 3 of the worse driven miles of your life as you position your junk and arc your business into the bottle, and 10 blissful seconds of throwing the gatorade out the window and watching your piss explode all over the highway.
*The Laptop - What needs to be said, you have access to the 100s of free CDs you've downloaded (most laptops still hold twice the capacity of the ipod), infinite reruns of Family Guy and Saved by the Bell for the ladies, the unbridled laughter at the expense of leaving internet porno movies on screen (and volume) while you pay for gas and the resident locals call the police, the possibilities are endless; must do.
*Jerking it? - On my most recent trip across the highway a drove past a male in a blue suburu wrx and I'm quite certain he was jerking it. I began thinking something was suspicious as he was driving with on set of wheels a foot outside the guidelines, so naturally I passed him, and BAM!, a site no one wants to see. I however want to know the proper manners of highway jerkage, do you stop doing it when cars pass you or do you look over and shoot them a wink. What if you get pulled over and the cop asks "you know why I pulled you over" "you thought I was black?" "no, you were jerking it... w/o lotion."??? Please, anyone with insight, email me. Another possibility is working out your member while on the highway by following the
workout provided by askmen.com.
Books on Tape/CD - While I have never done this nor know of any books on tape/cd, I've been told this passes the time. In a related field, nothing beats local religious talk radio, calling in, and then asking the host about your homoerotic thoughts centered on the sweet bovine you just passed.
and thus we are finished with Back to College pt.1 pending any recommendations on things we've missed. Back to College pt.2 will be up next week concerning what to bring to college.