The Commie Smurfs

C’mon, sing with me now, la, la, la-la la laa, laaa ----- if you know the rest, you have just committed your life to the communist party. For the past few days, I’ve been getting off work around 4-6 a.m. and the only thing on TV at the time was the Smurfs. Naturally, I became engrossed and did nothing but watch the show and wonder if everyone in the Smurf village suffered from blue balls or was the slutty Smurfette able to ‘smurf’ them all, and if that is the case, what color are their balls when they aren’t blue? About the time the 4th consecutive episode rolled around in this marathon, it struck, the Smurfs are fucking Communists. Let’s look at the smurf community:

As you can tell, the smurf village exists with each smurf doing the same nonprofit job day-in and day-out. Just as farmer smurf must share his food collected by slave smurf with everyone, so too must Smurfette be passed around like a blunt at a Snoop Dogg concert; the beauty of this is that Doctor smurf remains busy treating some smurfy cases of genital warts and the smurfs collectively remain a smurfy little fucking commi community ran by Papa smurf, or the smurf in the red hat. Not only is the smurf in the red hat their commi ring leader, but he also convinces the idiotic smurfs that Gargamel works as much as Pauly Shore and is the root of all evil. Now, during some stretch when the show began to suck (sometime around the point smurfette stopped wearing her seductive halter top and switched to a sweater) the writers began to suggest that Gargamel wanted to eat the Smurfs, not true; he merely desired to boil them in a pot and turn them to gold. Now while ‘ol Gargamel might have hung out with Smokey Smurf too much, the fact remains, he was a symbol for capitalism; he wanted to collect the smurfs and turn them into an individual profit, and for that, Papa Smurf swore to his commi fore-fathers that his 3 inch frame would kill Gargamel. Upon realizing that he was nothing more than a 3” pussy, Papa Smurf had no choice but to rely on Smokey Smurf to create a drug that would alter the thoughts of all young children and would turn them into killing machines of all things free thinking. Papa smurf succeeded, and in the early 90’s the pills were distributed as such:

Once again, if you knew the crappy smurf song, chances are your parents forced you into eating these “smurfy vitamins” as a child. Congratu-fucking-lations, you are now part of the commi machine, and if you possess an irrational hatred for hippi’s and a ridiculous love for republicans, this is why. I’ll warn you now, college students at parties across the nations are passing these pills around to get their fix, please pass on “smurfing” and take something safer such as LSD, PCP, Acid, Shrooms, Hair Spray, Sharpies, or Cyanide Kool-Aid.