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A Scientific Look at David Bowie's Package



(Disclaimer - The staff here at Forced to Shower are not, nor will ever consider themselves as homosexuals. With that, this update was meant to be a purely scientific look at the mystery that is David Bowie's Member; on with the post.)

As most know, each Walmart is home to several throw away DVD bins. Today, I present you with my saturday morning find of dvd bin gold, LABYRINTH!

For those unfamiliar with the awesome that is Labyrinth, the movie is a Jim Henson production starring David Bowie as Jareth, the Goblin King, though the Goblin Drag-Queen might be more appropriate.

The movie is about Sarah:



One night when Sarah is on the rag, she proclaims: "I wish the goblins would come take you away. Right now."

Surprise, surprise, the goblins (accompanied by david bowie's penis) take her brother (toby) away.

For the rest of the movie, basically crazy shit happens involving both midgets and goblins, but the focal point has got to be David Bowie and his uncanny ability to bust into song and cock thrust, but don't take it from me, I have a coworker that was at a Neil Gaiman signing way back when he was promoting Mirrormask,a movie he did with Dave McKean. It's a project through the Jim Henson Company done on a shoestring budget in the general spirit of Dark Crystal and Labyrinth.

There, Gaiman said that the JHC actually housed him and McKean in Jim Henson's old house in London which hadn't been redecorated since Henson passed away. One night they found a 3 hour rough cut of Labyrinth and watched it "for inspiration". Apparently there was so much Bowie crotchitude in this screener, that Henson deserved an editing award just to keep the movie below an "R" rating. Also he said the un-cut dance sequence was the most unintentionally funny piece of film making he'd ever seen. Bowie's bulge was practically demanding it's own trailer on the set...

*note - not found on DVD

still you doubt me, on with the pictures I say!



Professor Hoggle gets an intimat...er a close look at David Bowie's crotch. Please note the nondescript size of David Bowie's crotch in this first image.



As you can clearly see in this second picture, David Bowie's crotch is larger than it was before. Also take note of Bowie's gasp of disbelief when he is questioned about stealing Lenny Kravitz's crotch stuffing technique.



and here is the undeniable proof that there is something unworldly eroti...STRANGE about David Bowie's crotch.



Moving on you can see that the mystery only becomes more mind bending as David Bowie's crotch continues to enlarge. You may pass this off as being only an optical illustion so to the skeptics I present the next image.



This is where most scholarly individuals succumb to the power of David Bowie's crotch mystery. I however am not willing to give up just so easily. I am going to break this mystery wide open with both sweaty hands ready to salivate all over the sweet, sweet taste of throbbing victory.



Clearly, a baby turtle is hidden in there as David Bowie once again busts out the "No I don't stuff my Hanes" face.

Upon further study, pondering topics of christianity, the theories of relativity, and Rob Schneider films, I've come to the conclusion that Mr. Bowie's groin is the center point of a dimensional warp that leads to a place where everything is fucking magical.