FTS Guide to the Christmas Season

So, you are a poor college kid that has likely drunken your fat(ter) ass out of college and you are making that trip back home to spend time with your family with your greatest accomplishment of the semester being your negative test for herpes? Chances are your family will likely see you as being more of a disappointment than the appalling lack of freaky halfling/lil girl sex in Chronicles of Narnia, but there is an answer, and it lies below...

Just as I'm like all of you, I've come home on semester break with various harassment charges and the occasional bag of weed in my dresser drawer. Naturally, everyone you know accepts your sheer awesome as you wear your favorite "[insert University] Drinking Team" shirt and the sex is thrown at you, but there will come a time inwhich you encounter a voice of dissent. Most likely, this voice will suggest that you are pudgy and unappealling, a waste of money, a slew, or gay. At some point, you might even be told that you are no longer wanted and that you should stop coming home during prolonged breaks. At this point, you are unequivocally fucked, but there are several paths to take that might prevent such an unfortunate outcome.

60 Minutes: In order to manipulate one's environment, they must first understand it. For instance, parents are typically bothered by news of failing grades or breathalyzers, but grandparents are simply happy to be reminded that they are not quite dead yet. The indirect approach to holiday acceptance is to exploit the elderly of your family; devote one Sunday afternoon (or late-late night depending on the point of view) with your grandparents watching 60 minutes; you will be set for the next 15 months (*18 months if you mention that girls dress too slutty now-a-days) and the grandparents are the most likely to directly provide you with cash so as to not fuck up your true christmas desires (alcohol, drugs, the sex, pet goat/duck). If you are feeling like you need to kill two birds with one stone, tell your grandma that you'd like to bake brownies with her to bring back to college... simply slip in your shwag and you are no longer at risk for your parents snooping in your drawers.

The Gift: Most likely your parents will offer to send you "gas money" to make it back to your hometown; don't be fooled, this is a trap. Parents actually expect said "gas money" to be used on a gift for them roughly within 67% of the amount, but who has the money to waste on a 60-100 dollar present? The best direction here is a gift from the heart equivalent to over $100, the concrete deer:

Because you are a college kid, you will be living in a town that features a rich section replete with heavy, unrealistic ornaments, but the concrete deer is the prize here. The concrete deer is best acquired by a team of 3 (five if any members of the team play magic, these deer typically exceed 120lbs), a four door vehicle, and a trunk that quickly pops open. You should be able to figure it out.

The Christmas Dinner: This is perhaps the moment with the greatest potential for making you look like the $10 vodka drinking loser that you are; throughout the dinner you will be compared to your much more successful siblings, cousins, and neighbors; I suggest an immiediate smeer campaign equivalent to that of the people that stoned Jesus (this holiday is about him afterall), ie the neighbor's girlfriend had an abortion, your sister is anorexic, and your brother shaves his legs and forearms during college. *Note - Do not mention that you shave your pubes with conditioner to prevent razor burn. If at any point the topic of college/grades comes up, convince your parents that one of your professors was a complete liberal/republican/baby-eater/mormon depending on the opposite of your parents' view on life. If your mom blindsides you with personal attacks on your appearance or the character of you or your friends, work into the conversation that Angelina Jolie is a homewrecker. - This is your trump card, use this only when necessary.

The Trip Back: Being as you have spent the entire christmas break doing some combination of eating, drinking, sleeping, xbox, movies, and slewing around with anyone from your highschool, your depleted bank account is likely empty and you feel compelled to ask your parents for "help". DO NOT ASK TO BORROW MONEY, parents will attempt to eventually collect borrowed money and this is the first step towards paying rent over the summer. Instead, mention to your parents that you've applied for the graveyard shift at a gas station that was only robbed 6 times during the fall semester and that no other business is willing to hire you because of your inordinate credit load and two 7 p.m. classes on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Your parents will immiediately protest your decision to work late night at a gas station and after your spirited argument, they will eventually break down and simply give you enough money to help lighten the load.

There you have it, you can be a complete waste of sperm and still enjoy a lucrative christmas break. As a bonus bit of advice, equip yourself with a pocket/purse sized amount of packing tape:

Amazingly, this $1.39 device can strap a 750ml bottle of alcohol to your leg with all the support you need. Whether you are at a highschool reunion party or your grandparents house for dinner, seek out the liquor, and position your choice selection in such a way that you can easily excuse yourself to the bathroom unnoticed and attach your prize to your chiseled calf. If anyone asks about your peculiar walk, reply that you are tired and are returning home to get some extra sleep, don't feel bad though, this isn't a lie if you are like me and return home to drink the sweet taste of your stolen liquor by yourself until you pass out...

3,191 moms get pissed off just thinking about Angelina Jolie.
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