How to Win at the Fighting

So you're a pasty, skinny little guy whose greatest moment of ass-badness is when you made a quadruple kill in the Halo? Chances are, someday, somebody's going to want to kill you, and you are most likely going to die a horribly embarrassing death probably culminating in you pissing yourself. However, with my incredible Guide to Winning in Fights, when you're in the hospital you can be satisfied with the knowledge that you've probably inconvenienced your assailant.

Just as I'm like all of you, I've been in quite a few fights in my time. There will come a time in your life where you genius is being stifled by everybody else, and accordingly, you will feel compelled to let those surrounding you know this. Naturally, most people are so impressed at your incredible smartitude that they will immediately throw their nakedness at your feet (scrogging will follow) but occasionally you will encounter a voice of dissent. Often, this voice will cast aspersions on your hetero-sexuality, the purity of your nana, and the size and shape of whatever genitalia you possess. At some point, your arguments with this eccentric individual may warrant a call to fisticuffs, at which point you're more than likely unequivocally fucked. At this point, you've got several options:

1, being you could run like hell, only that option is not really covered in my guide. Perhaps you best look into my next one, entitled "Marley Despair's guide to Running like Hell and Crying Yourself to Sleep, by the way, son, you are Going to Die a Virgin."

2, your best option in this case, is to find some sort of weaponary, bonus if it is of midevilness. As you were unlucky enough to get in a fight, you probably don't have the good fortune to find a weapon, so, your next option is hand-to-hand combat. Finally, since you're inevitably going to get into a fight, you might as well look cool whilst exchanging blows.

Re: Melee Combat -

First off, you're going to need to possess or find a weapon. Since most states don't allow you to arm yourselves, your best option is to simply locate the nearest blunt object. What you want is something that can be wielded, enhances your undoubtably ackward balance (you are reading my guide for a reason), and is either very, very hard, or very, very sharp. Typically, I find the most success in objects that tend to be inanimate. Below are some good weapons:

Many of these will be conveniently found amongst the background of any street fight. However, there will also be many things lying around that are NOT good weapons, included in the field of crappy weaponary are:

Essentially, once you have a weapon, you will know how to use it. Sure, there are many different schools that teach increasingly esoteric artforms, but you just want to forcibly plant the thing in the other guy's face, so the only thing you really need is leverage.

Now that you've got some sort of weapon, you merely need to use it to ruin the other guy's day. Since you're a pasty little internet geek, you should put aside any notions of flying into a berserk rage and destroying your enemies, for you have little hope of ever seeing the lamentations of all their women folk; mostly, what you want to do is temporarily incapacitate them so that you can make your daring escape, and thereby get back to dying of old age or with any luck, one of several varieties of the cancer. With any luck, use of the following combinations can quickly turn the fight in your favor.

Weapon to other guy's Face:

This technique is very basic. What you want to do is take the business end of your tool of death, and smash it without mercy across or into the other guy's face, preferably right across the teeth or his eyes.

Pros: Even if you don't win the fight, at least you can bleed to death knowing the other guy won't have such a pretty face anymore. Also, a good blow to the head can sometimes win a fight outright, or daze him enough where you can knock him a shot to the jimmy and run like hell.

Cons: You're probably not going to connect. There's some sort of natural response in people to block or otherwise avoid anything coming directly at their faces, and despite your incredible eye-hand coordination from playing games/masturbating, you may not be able to overcome this natural instinct.

Weaponary to other guy's Midsection:

This is a good, standard blow. Try to come in from the side and give him a good whack as if you were trying to hit a homerun with his kidney and/or liver. If it helps, you can envision yourself as a 10th level barbarian (totally not in your mum's basement) with a mighty weapon and he's a level 3 orc or something, just as long as you hit the bastahd really, really hard.

Pros: You stand a good chance of connecting with this one, and if you're lucky, you'll knock the wind out of him, so that you do not meet the same fate.

Cons: This is usually reserved for longer brawls, which means that while you're whacking away at him, he's whacking away at you, and you can't have that because then you won't be pretty for the prom. (or most likely the milf who orders a number #2 from you everyday at 5.)

Weapon to other guy's junk:

A dirty, under-handed tactic, but one that works with amazing efficiency. This one works like a golf swing, and you want to hit him so hard that he coughs up his testicles (blood will be present along with said testes, don't pass out)and as he writhes around on the ground, he can have a short conversation with them, consisting of "Man, do we hurt" and ofcourse, he'll reply with, "I fucking know that already."

Pros: Wha?!? You just nailed the guy in the balls! Isn't that fucking obvious enough for you?

Cons: When he gets up, MAN will shit hit the fan.

Weapon to YOUR OWN face:

I developed this technique, and I've had amazingly great luck with it. Keep your knees apart, stay on the balls of your feet, and thwack yourself in the face with your own weapon. Repeat as you deem necessary. Keep yelling "STOP HITTING ME DADDY!"

Pros: The other guy will be so confused by your unorthodox attack that he may be off-balance, or he'll run away in abject fear.

Cons: Your daddy will stop hitting you... and start touching you.

Re: Hand-to-Hand Combat:

Oh man, are you fucked. Without a weapon, it's down to individual strength and prowess of the martial arts, where you will most likely be totally outclassed. The best thing to do is put an Alka-Seltzer tab in your mouth (thanks lil giants), fall to the ground, and fake an epileptic seizure. Otherwise, get ready to have your ass handed to you. Though, if you're lucky, the following maneuvers could keep you conscious until you can go home to weep like a sad, sad schoolgirl.

"Bertha" attack:

This one's good if you're a fat greasy slob. Raise your arms, and let out your best Wookiee noise. Rush forward and try to bowl over your opponent with your prodigious weight. If you knock him down, do not get up: instead, flail around like a beached whale, and try to crush him. If nothing else, you can demoralize him; flatulence is never a bad choice here.

Pros: Any lardass can pull this off, and since a lot of people make the mistake of "physical fitness," your work-free gut gives you an instant weight advantage.

Cons: My God, you're a fucking fatass fatty. I mean, look at you. You've just knocked some poor guy down and you're crushing him with your fatness, while making beached-whale noises. Nobody really wins here, except the people laughing at both of you. Bonus if your "attack" becomes an underground porn fetish video.

Ultra-Swift Palm Strike to nose:

Pull your masturbating arm back. Pull your palm up to a 90 degree angle relative to your forearm (Palm outward, otherwise you'll break your hand and look like even more of an idiot tard). Bend your fingers in at the outer two joints so that you don't make a fist. Then, pound the fucker in the face with the bony part at the bottom of your palm until your arm gets tired. Note - make cool kung-fu noises.

Pros: Getting hit with this hurts; even the weakest person could eventually viciously stun his opponent over a period of time.

Cons: If you miss, you're going to get punched in the face, which will cause you to roll around on the ground and most likely cry.

Forward kick to throat:

You're going to quickly plant your foot in the other guy's throat really hard, and this will knock him out, and you will win the fight, and cure the aids. In theory, at least.

Pros: From firsthand experience, getting kicked in the throat really, really, REALLY hurts. Unless the other guy is absolutely hellbent on killing you, successfully pulling this move off will greatly discourage his continuing of the fight.

Cons: Good thing you got that black belt in Jewjitsu. Oh wait, you didn't. In reality, you probably can't get your foot up that high. In such a case, use the following.

Botched Forward Kick to throat:

Can't kick above your waist? Fair enough. Bring your knee up to your chest as if you were stomping on somebody's foot. Then, stomp on the guy's foot. The best way to do this is start at his knee, and scrape your shoe down his shin, coming down hard where his shin and the foot meet.

Pros: This causes dislocations and crippling pain, and will almost always nullify any of his ideas about blocking. At this point, you can keep your foot on his to keep him still, then you can wail on his face and look cool doing so. If you are lucky, you will cause arthritis that will most likely cause him to commit suicide early into old age.

Cons: Oh shit, the guy you did this to just happens to be a shaolin monk, and he ignores the pain of his dislocated foot. And now he has shoved his hand through your sternum and ripped your heart out. Oh Shit son, oh shit!

Begin dancing:

Pull your hat/bandeezee down, pose dramatically, and then moonwalk. Immediately, music will begin playing, and your opponent will without a doubt begin irresistably dancing. If they don't start dancing, turn into a robot with laser shooting arms.

Pros: They will explode after they dance for a while, and you can go save all the children and your armored monkey friend mojo.

Cons: Applying fine vinyl siding can be just the necessary shine you need to make your house presentable.

How to Look Cool:

Since now you know what you're doing in a fight, you might as well look really cool doing so; so that you impress people so much that someday they will make the sex with you. Most of this is in the wardrobe. While you can't change clothes immediately when the fight breaks out, this guide assumes that you will dress in order to be ready for a fight. Below, you'll find things you should not wear in a fight.

Finally, assuming you can master the simple techniques I have bestowed upon you, you will want to add a little personal flair whilst comencing upon ass kickery. Taunting can work wonders, it can build your nonexistant confidence and reduce your opponent to a blubbering pile of despair.

Good taunts could, for examples sake, suggest that your opponent is, in actuality, a member of the opposite sex. You could also proclaim that you are infact your opponent's previously unknown parent. However, whatever you do, fight back the undeniable urge to masturbate furiously over your fallen opponent. If they find any traces of semen, then you've got potential rape charges to deal with and frankly, nobody likes that.