How to Repair a Broken Hard Drive

Just a few days back I purchased a new computer to replace the beloved piece of shit that created the marley2hendrix site, just as I was making preparations to throw the tower out the window as I drive along the highway blasting NWA's straight outta compton, I saw an online tip that stated: wiping Mr. Clean on the drive's surface will speed it up considerably; what the hell; Unfortunately, after what could only be described as Mr. Clean's aggressive raping of my hard drive, my computer would no longer boot...

... and then, BAM! I noticed these little scratches going straight across the drive platter. I figured it was the industrial paper towels I was using. I knew they were too rough...

Anyway, I just tried to reshape the circular grooves in the drive with a Dremel, but I guess the attachment I used was too rough. Now I've got these wicked gouges on it. At least I know the drive bearings are in good condition still - the drive spun forever after I took the Dremel off.

Now I just have to figure out a way to smooth this thing out. I think I have a buffer for the car in the garage... At this point, I returned to the forum where I read about Mr. Clean and asked for any reasonable advice. I was told "Try some compressed air to clean off the dust."

Compressed air didn't work. It actually flipped the drive over, so I think it's scratched more than it already was.

Thanks for trying though. The next bit of advice I recieved stated: First you'll have to spin the platter at 5,400 RPM's and extract the data in analog format. Then just plug the output from your turntable into the mic input on your PC and Vola.

^^^ Idiot, that won't work. All of my financial data is digitally signed, so outputting it analog might make it come out in a different currency, which will make the accounts at Forced To Shower FREAK, and you don't want to see jewish accountants freak...

I'm trying to see if I can take the tray out of the DVD drive in this other PC here... maybe if I can get it in there somehow.

...and the next piece of online advice: "Marley, try a surface scan to see if you can recover any bad clusters. Maybe that will help.

Everything looks fine, but I can't see any clusters.

All of a sudden, I figured out the problem.

The fucking hard drive had MAGNETS in it! MAGNETS!?!

I thought my 1st grade computer teacher told me magnets ruined drives, that conspiracy fueling BITCH!

anyway, Check this out:

Apparently, there were magnets holding the drive reading thingamajiggy down inside. Fuck that, totally unacceptable. I'm going to email Western Digital about this right away.


(hours later...)Success!

Took some work, but it's done.

I piggybacked my old Dell Dimension 5600 processor into the main circuitry of the microwave. I patched a small bypass system, through the processor, to an external FireWire port I added to the microwave. Total time, 3 minutes.

My theory was, if I could get the internal components of the hard drive to reach the exact temperature of FireWire, 1394 degrees Farenheit, then theoretically the data on the drive would be expedited by microvial osmosis to the external FireWire port I had fashioned. On the other end of this port sits my 5 GB FireFly drive, ready to accept the data payload. This idea makes much more sense than any of the bullshit found in Back to the Future... 2.

(Don't worry, I did have a fire extinguisher at hand, just in case)

Unfortunately, the microwave was unable to reach the temperature required for osmotic FireWire data transfer. It may have had something to do with my having to cut the test short, due to my intrusive and VERY unsympathetic guinea pig, and his insistence on making microwave popcorn. Apparently the smell of searing hard drive platters is fairly close to that of popcorn. Interesting.

As a last resort, I took my drive down to the garage. Surely there is something here capable of getting the platters up to 1394 degrees. What's that in the corner Timmy? Ah... gasoline. Helping unsavory folks get high since 1898! Nectar of the gods, native americans, and 27 of the 38 presidents.

So I carefully place just the right amount of gasoline on the platters, and ignite the beast. Unfortunately, I was unable to catch the actual moment of data transfer due to the searing heat I endured while holding the FireFly drive just in the right position to facilitate osmotic data transfer, but let me tell you - it was a thing of beauty.

What a day. Thanks to everyone that provided the suggestions, it's great to know I have access to some of the finest minds on the planet.

I now own one of the world's finest paper weights...

702 idiots just cleaned their hard drives with Mr. Clean after reading the first sentence.
Have You Met Mr. Clean in Person?

Back to the owner of one damn fine paper weights website...