In case you haven't realized it, fast food is not your best friend. You think you can just grab a quick meal on the run, because you're a connected and highly wired individual? Well I hope you still feel that way when you die at age 45 of a congenial heart failure you fat fuck. The neighbor kids will discover your rotting corpse and poke your abnormal titties with a stick while their dog pisses all over your face. Goddamn I hate you. So anyway, eat Subway or some herbal shit. I don't care and neither does your dietitian.
What any novice is gonna end up doing is going to the local GNC and going by whatever shitty advice they suggest to you, which usually involves becoming a gold card member and buying loads of their protein powder. Then you'll receive countless pamphlets of whatever the newest Hydro-Oxy-Meta-Anabolic-Gangrene product they come out with next, through the mail. Here's what to expect during your first visit:
Employee: Do you need help, sir?
Me: As a matter of fact I do (looking at name tag) ... Turbo. I'm looking to re-shape my body without much work, without changing my diet much, and in a very short amount of time. Hopefully by tomorrow actually, for my date.
Turbo: Uh... let me get my boss, Dr. Andro. (runs and gets him) Dr. Andro: Hello, sir, how can we help you show more veins on your arms today?
Me: Hi... Dr.? Is that M.D. or Ph.D.?
Dr. Andro: Oh... uh... not exactly either...
Me: Is it just like a degree in Kinesiology or Physiology?
Dr. Andro: Well, no. I just beat up a doctor who came into the store and took his.
Me: Well that's just great, moron. I'm gonna go weigh myself on your body fat thingy. I guess muscle really does spread to the brain.
Dr. Andro: Look, I don't need this, I WAS ON AMERICAN GLADIATORS!
Those guys are called juicers because the products they intake make the juice inside their veins filthy and diseased. On the outside they look fabulous, though! But hey, they get to have diseases at 25 that most people have to wait until 60 to die from! Yaaaayy....
Working out cures all sorts of diseases like obesity, diabetes, small penis disorder (you wish!), and all the types of cancers that don't kill you. Have you ever seen a power lifter come down with a pussy cold? No, that's because his immune system took over his whole body. In fact, if you look close enough he is really just one giant lymphocyte. IN YOUR FACE STREPTOCOCCUS!!!
But the real benefits are in how different the ladies start treating us guys. Take me, for example. Before I started working out I weighed 155 lbs. Two years later I weigh 167 lbs, but I swear I've lost fat and gained muscle. Anyway, shut up and listen to the conversation I had with the popular girl I ran into:
Me: Hey Sarah.
Sarah: Do I know you?
Me: Yeah, we were in freshman comp class together. You probably can't recognize me because of all the sexy and lean muscle I've added to my once puny physique.
Sarah: Hey, weren't you the guy who got wasted at Chad's party and made out with three of his dogs?
Me: No, I wasn't invited. FUCK YOU CHAD, FUCK YOU!!
Sarah: I've got to go stand over there. (runs away)
Me: (chasing) Wait, I'll let you touch my muscles! I can flex my pecs alternately to the beats of any song! Watch, I'll do it to the cowbell of BOC... (sings Don't Fear the Reaper) boom *tsk* boom *tsk* boom *tsk* boom *tsk* "Romeo and Juliet..." boom *tsk*... (stops chasing) Alone with shame again. The heart is a lonely hunter.
Everyone has their own opinion about how many days you should work out, how much cardio, how much weights... it can get really confusing. Basically, do as much as you can, in under an hour, so you feel like throwing up afterwards. Oh yeah, that's the best time to get your protein too, so eat up nauseous bitch.
You need to be well hydrated at all times when working out. And here's a little secret only us insiders know. The best source of water is already inside you! That's right, I'm talking about urine. You can drink it, it's sterile. Think how cool you'll be when your ignorant friends have to walk WAY over to the water fountain to quench their thirst when you just whip out your dick and start sipping that shit like a baby sucks a titty. You'll have the admiration of the entire gym, or be banned for life. It's a close call, but an important one.
It's a misconception that no one is paying attention to you when you work out. In fact, everyone is watching you to see how much of a puss you are. There are hidden cameras and everything, and all of the hot girls from aerobics are sitting in their secret room laughing that you couldn't even make it to 10 reps. So to counter this, you must act tough all the time. This is why guys are always screaming at the top of their lungs when they do heavy weights; to let everyone know they are cool.
Here is an example of what I'm talking about.
Me: Excuse me there, fellow gym member, are you using that weight ring there?
BUFFDOOD2302: Which one? The 45, 35, 25, or 10?
Me: Ermm... no... the other one there...
BUFFDOOD2303: I can't see well because the steroids almost blinded me. Which weight? Say it!
Me: THE 2.5 LB!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!
This is all wrong. Here is what you should do:
Me: Hey man, are you using those weight rings there?
BUFFDOOD2302: Which one? The 45, 35, 25, or 10?
Me: ALL OF THEM YOU DIRTY SONOFABITCH! YEAH!! Hand 'em over!
BUFFDOOD2302: Damn man, you're awesome! You can fuck my sister!
Me: Tell her to get in line!
And it doesn't matter if you can't even do a single rep with all that weight. Everyone will think you're cool for asking for all of it.
Why do I write these guides? I just, in my head I imagine that maybe some hot girls are reading my articles and laughing hard, and wishing I was there so they could do me. God, I'm so lonely... I just want a nice girl I can talk to and hold and feed grapes. If you think you are that girl, send a bio and pics (topless) to firstname.lastname@example.org KTHXBYE
So that ends this chapter. Boy, we sure learned a lot today didn't we? If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn't have until you saw Fight Club, go right ahead and start weight lifting. It's ok, because I'm doing it too. Your hardened bronze bodies will reflect the afternoon sun and attract women as shallow as you are. G'night.
Um, yeah, back to those topless pics I was talking about...