None of these great inventions compare to the internet:

The Wheel
Fuck cars. And transportation for that matter. At one time it was very important that we (and by “we,” I mean all of humanity) go out and see the world… but our now redundant exploration has turned into nothing but a conquer-fest, leading to wars over stupid shit like religion, oil, and chicks named Helen. Sadly, if civilizations with clashing beliefs weren’t so accessible to each other, there would be no reason for ignorant, cynical jackasses to terrorize those who may not do things their way. Everyone should stop traveling and just sit at their computers all day with their thumbs up their happy, healthy, living, un-terrorizing/terrorized, non-war participating/suffering asses. Take a virtual tour of the Eiffel Tower if it’s that important to you. Otherwise, it’s only a matter of time before it gets blown up. Fuck wheels. The only good thing that’s ever come along as a result of the wheel is Vanna White. Oh, and wheels on cars that spin after they’ve stopped give me a horrible headache. Yeah, fuck wheels.

The Printing Press
Johann Gutenberg’s printing press topped everyone’s millennium lists of the best inventions of the past 2000 years. But the fact is, businesses across the nation are now turning “paperless” – storing all their files on servers and databases, and relaying messages via e-mail rather than printed memos. Books are purchased online and sent as text files and are also sold in tape form; often times these transactions are made via the internet. News and editorials are accessed much quicker and more often online – to the point where many readers find nothing new in newspapers and magazines when they’re finally printed. Sorry Gutenberg, time to Gutennewidea or Gutenthefuckout.

Sex
What was once the only reason to live for millions of adolescent boys is slowly becoming less and less of a priority due to the accessibility of pornography on the internet. Rape statistics have fallen dramatically since the Internet was invented (I totally made that up) – why would a guy force the issue with a girl when he knows he can go home and fog up his monitor? Men everywhere are realizing that porn is a comparable alternative to true sexual activity, and it comes without the baggage of bitching, lying, crying, and spending money on someone besides yourself. If they weren’t necessary for reproduction, females would have already been rendered obsolete by the Internet. Yet another reason the Internet makes me slap my dick with joy. As you may or may not know, I invented sex, and I’m willing to admit defeat to the Internet on this one.

Bob Saget
Possessing the powers of incomparable hilarity, irresistible sexuality, absolute male perfection, and a huge freakin cock, there’s no doubt in my mind Bob Saget was created in a first class laboratory in a land far far away. He’s as close as they get, but still no match for the Internet. Participating in a pornographic film with former Full House co-stars Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen would likely put him over the top, but let’s not hold our breath. This guy sucks dick for coke.

My Penis
(Photo is actually of my sunburnt nose. Fags.) The Internet somehow has less downtime than my penis, and is much more accessible than my penis will ever be. Unfortunately for you guys. But while the internet does beat my penis, I like to think no one beats it quite like I do.

More notable contenders: Penecillin (I’m allergic to it, so obviously I can live without it), electricity (Who cares?), the telephone (The root of all that’s evil on the internet: dial-up.), the computer (Ever sat at a computer that wasn’t wired to the internet? Hell.), and anesthetics (What are you, some kind of pussy?).

We should all be kissing Al Gore’s white ass for making this world a better place.

Random Link Dump: How colleges screw up your brain, Pornogaphy: A Woman's Struggle Too, Ogre Porn, Four Women Discuss Receiving Oral Sex, Alien Porn, Super Greg Concept Site, Least of your worries if you're having unprotected sex, I scored a look-alike on G-Shack's site, My dad won Area Track Coach of the Year again.

Last Friday, what appeared to be the worst possible thing happened to me. My neighbor moved away. I didn’t know the guy. Or girl. I never even saw him or her. But we were tighter than the Virgin Mary ever claimed to be. Because we shared an internet connection.

Yes, through the beauty of wireless internet, I had been stealing his/her bandwidth with my powerful Ethernet card since I moved in two months ago. But, without warning, he/she upped and moved Friday night, leaving me with no option but to call and make an appointment to get my T1 connection installed – which finally happened earlier today. Could I have signed up for a free dial-up trial with AOL or a similar company to hold me over? Yes, but if using a high speed connection is considered “surfing the internet,” then I consider using dial-up “drowning in raw sewage.”

A week without the internet… what a test. Rather than dwell on the hand I’d been dealt, I decided to use the seven day period as a productive experiment: to see how a lack of web surfing affected the finer things in my life. Maybe I could come to a conclusion… would I be better off with more internet, less internet, or no internet at all? Here are the effects that spending less time online had on three different important aspects of my life:

Finances
About a month ago I was doing some online research, trying to figure out how to break into this whole investing thing. From what I could tell, just like any other venture it was going to take money to make money. When I moved down here I left most of my savings in a bank account back home for emergencies, so I decided to dip into that a bit. Last week I finally found a stock I was interested in, had researched well, and definitely had a hunch on. So I did what any reasonable, professional investor would do: took every free penny I had, and THREW IT ALL AT ONE STOCK.

I bought 4,000 shares on Friday, and told anyone I thought would care that they should invest in it too. Without internet access, I haven’t been able to screw it up by pulling out, and it’s gone up a total of 67% just in those four market days. I'm happy, all my friends that invested are happy, and those that didn’t are kicking themselves. Including a certain rich, one-eyed Jewish Washington Husky (believe it or not, that only narrows it down to two people I know…) who was thinking about investing a very large amount, but couldn’t pull the trigger (or his tampon out). He would have raked in $67,000 if he had. If my logic is correct, he owes me like $67,000 now. Advantage: Less internet.

Gambling
This could easily fall under finances, but it’s something I do for fun rather than profit. I have an account over at SportsBook.com that I started before the NBA Playoffs, and I like to toss out a few $5-10 bets whenever I see something I like. So far, I’m pretty much even – with my early, parlayed bet that the Lakers and Pistons would make the NBA Finals keeping me afloat.

With no internet, I haven't had much of a chance to bet on the Finals. Before any games had been played, I put $5 on the Pistons at 8:1 odds for the series, which will be a $40 payout if they win. After the way they performed in the first game of the series, I nearly creamed myself when I saw the Lakers were eight point favorites in game two. I figured the Lake Show would win, but with the Pistons’ hard-nosed, defensive style of play, there was no way either team would win by eight points. I got online at the nearby business center and put $10 on the Pistons (+8), then headed to Champs Sportsbar in downtown Phoenix with my buddy MC to watch the game.

All Detroit had to do was lose by seven points or less (or just win the game), and I’d take home an easy $10. With the Pistons up six with 46 seconds left to play, it looked to be a lock. I was already mentally caressing my precious ten spot. There’s no way a 14 point swing can occur in under a minute, right? Not unless Kobe Bryant or Michael Jordan are around. I watched in awe as Kobe took a nineteen year old girl the Pistons, bent them over a chair, and vigorously raped them. He hit an amazing shot at the end of regulation that MC rightly commented at the time, “might as well be a 25-pointer.” Overtime was a joke – the Lakers rode Kobe to an eight point victory, and I pushed. Fuck me in the goat ass.

I’m glad I wasn’t able to get online to bet on Game Three. Riding that momentum, I would have taken the Lakers on any number of bets, including the more interesting things I like to wager on such as, “which team will have the highest scorer.” With Rip Hamilton tearing it up and Kobe and Shaq both failing to reach 15 points, I would have lost quite a bit. Advantage: Less internet.

Romance
There’s this girl I work with who’s been trying to get me to go out to drinks with her. The only problem is, she’s got this big Italian ex-boyfriend that comes in to visit her regularly, and the last thing I want is to be on that guy’s bad side. Let alone to be her rebound guy. But, with nothing else to do, I decided to go out with her. It seemed pretty harmless. Plus she’s really hot.

We went out twice. She’s a great girl, and I played my cards conservatively out of respect to her… and her ex-boyfriend’s fists. I hadn’t even attempted to round first base, when she thought it would be a good idea to tell her ex-boyfriend WE HAD REALLY GREAT SEX. (!?!?!?!) Awesome, thanks for jeopardizing my heartbeat in an attempt to make Tony Soprano jealous. Now I realize why I don't date: girls are filthy, rotten liars, and the one thing they're good for... isn't worth sitting through dinner and a movie for because I can do it myself in two minutes or less. I’m just waiting for the first death threat. If I don’t update this site tomorrow, call the police and notify them there’s a guy in Phoenix feasting on spaghetti and maskballs. Advantage: Not my scrotum.

Conclusion
It looks like spending less time online is a better option for me. But I honestly don’t give a shit. If the internet ate my first born child, I’d still make love to it. Or at least use it to watch porn.

Today marks the respective releases of what will probably be the only two albums I’ll buy the rest of the year: Velvet Revolver’s Contraband and My Chemical Romance’s Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. Back in the days before file sharing and CD burning/ripping/copying, my cheap ass wouldn’t have even thought to purchase these albums. Consider the cases of each band:

My Chemical Romance gets no airtime. I wouldn’t have heard of them if it weren’t for the internet. A while back I saw on a fellow webmaster’s playlist that he was listening to a song by MCR, and I decided to check it out via P2P rapeology. Sure enough, they fucking rocked. So I downloaded more. I ended up loving the band, thanks to file-sharing. And no thanks to the RIAA or a certain monopolizing radio corporation.

Velvet Revolver, a super group featuring former STP frontman Scott Weiland and most of the former Guns N Roses, have gotten plenty of airtime for their first single, Slither, thanks to their rocking reputations. But the group hasn’t been together very long, and although they possess infinite talent, you never know how that will mesh when it comes to making music. Back in the bad old days, I would have needed to hear at least three singles or dubbed a free-spending friend’s CD onto a cassette tape before being convinced to buy the debut album from any group. The first single isn’t always evident of the way an entire CD will sound (See: Incubus – Megalomaniac), and there’s no way I’d ever spend $15 for one song.

Thanks to today’s technology, I’ve had every song from each of these albums on my computer for weeks now. And I dubbed them “buyable” after just a few listens. That’s $30-35 that wouldn’t have been exiting my wallet if it weren’t for file-sharing.

So maybe I’m wrong here (I’m not), but it sounds like my experience over the last few months is a pretty good example of how file-sharing is good for music lovers and the music industry at the same time. No one is forced to buy an entire CD just to hear one song, and people like me are buying more CDs because they have the resources to feel an album out before purchasing it. The more CDs the industry wants us to buy, the more they’ll have to step it up and make great, full-length albums. Sounds like everyone wins to me. I mean, is spending money on making awesome music such a bad alternative to using that same cash to sue five year olds? The answer is an emphatic "no."

Is me buying two CDs a big victory for producers? Probably not. But it’s a step in the right direction, and provides a subtle commentary to those same producers regarding the state of music: People now have the ability to hear everything you put out there, and they’re buying less of your crap. That has nothing to do with file-sharing, it has to do with music being the shittiest it’s been since young consumers have been alive. If you stop producing quick-to-flame-out novelty acts with high cheek bones and perky breasts and the inability to make more than three decent songs, and start giving talented artists the backing they need to make great albums, then you’ll get the sales you want.

Today my little sister turns 20 years old. And although we are separated by distance, I still feel just as close to her as the day we fought so hard that my mom made us sit on the couch and hold hands for three hours as punishment. So just like last year, I've written her a poem:

Little sis, little sis, today you are 20.
Little sis, little sis, tomorrow you'll be 20 still.
So blow your candles, but don't blow any boys.
And if it goes any farther than that, you better be on the pill.

But I'll still love you even if you aren't. Because if you get pregnant, Mom and Dad will disown your ass, which will further prove that they love me more than they love you.

You know it’s summer when you turn to ESPN and find, not baseball, not the NBA playoffs, but… furry lipped preteens spelling words the size of Ron Jeremy’s dingy. Most of them do it without blinking an eye. Most of them. Check out Akshay Buddiga passing out at the mic. (Click the image for a video clip of him taking the spill. It looks like he's doing a backwards Frankenstein imitation.)

The best part: The kid got up and spelled “alopecoid” correctly and received a standing ovation.

More thoughts and observations I haven’t been able to fit into other updates:

Does it bother anyone else that our country has the only national anthem that talks about ROCKETS and BOMBS? I motion for a change in terminology, one that will reflect upon America as a fun-loving, non-nuking nation. Let’s replace ROCKETS and BOMBS with TAMPONS and CONDOMS. Go ahead, sing it! To your parents! At dinner!

I miss my friend Allison, who’s home in New Jersey for the summer. If for no other reason than she trounces through serious conversations, Godzilla style, destroying them upon impact. She’s the kind of person who will take a droning argument about child birth and abortion and toss in, “What if instead of having me in a normal way, my mom just shed her skin and, POOF, there I was!” If there’s a cure for what she has, let’s pour it down the drain before she gets her hands on it.

What do you think the odds are that a girl under the age of 20 learns to change the oil in her car before she buys flower patterned seat cushions for it? A thousand to one? A million to one? Infinite?

I can’t even explain the hilarity that ensues at McDonald’s when the breakfast deadline hits. You just have to be there. Take the desperation and panic of every countdown in every “end of the world” movie and multiply it by 25. In fact, rather than sleep in, I think I’m going to set my alarm for 10:20 this weekend just so I can witness that over and over again.

Any restaurant/gas station that doesn’t provide giant cups with a narrow base instantly loses my vote for Beverage Server of the Year. I shouldn’t need a cupholder the size of Brazil to enjoy a frosty Coca Cola on a 110 degree day.

Any driver who sees a shopper walking to their car and is willing to stop in the middle of the parking lot, wait a decade for them to unload their cart, get in their car, start it, and back out, all just to get that parking space… should get car bombed. Period. We need to start arming our cart pushers with car bombs and add “blowing up morons” to their job description.

I say everyone involved in the time travel field should give up… right now. If it was in the cards for them to succeed, you’d think by now we would have been visited by people from the future.

And the tampons red glare… the condoms bursting in air…

Is it just me, or have penis enlargement spam e-mails gone from suggesting their product to telling us we definitely need it? Some real subject lines just from today: “you have a small one ahah.” “you have problems.” “I know it is down.” “YOU NEED THIS, SHORTY.” Maybe I’m just self conscious, but that sure seems over the top.

Whenever I walk past a girl and overhear her say, “OH. MY. GOD!” I think, “Yep, she’s gotta be telling a story or making fun of someone else who said that.” But, nope. It’s always a heartfelt “OH. MY. GOD!” Which should be outlawed in at least the lower 48 states. At least!

I couldn’t see myself marrying a girl dumb enough to ask for breast implants for college graduation when her parents are offering a new car (that’s like a 90% value loss…), but I’m meeting enough of them to think I might not mind dating one. Or ten. (Post-diploma, of course.)

--

I really should be doing a mailbag post today, since it’s Friday and all. But while I was on vacation, I wasn’t around to delete the spam as it came in like I normally do… and when I got back I had 3800 messages in four days. 3800! Probably only 90 of which were relevant. At the moment I don’t feel like sifting through them all… in fact, I may just delete everything. But here are a couple good ones I got over the last couple days that I think exemplify my readership quite well:

You might appreciate this, being an Army of Darkness fan. When me and my buddies went to Jamaica a couple years back, all week we would approach girls and either say "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow." or "Hail to the king baby." I went home alone every night, but I never grew tired of saying that shit. –Jason Cleveland

I can understand the prospect of being Mary Kate and/or Ashley's baby daddy, but you've got to admit that the prospect of a Hilary Duff/Linday Lohan threesome is more appealing. Sure, they hate each other, but think how that could be turned to your advantage. For three hours you'd have two nubile young women trying to out-do each other with YOU. -Tobin Moss

My criteria: Only movies I’ve seen are eligible. Unfortunately, this alienates popular films such as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Matrix trilogy, the Harry Potter movies, the Star Wars trilogy, and You Got Served. Movies that might be good, but aren't because I don't want to watch them. Also, movies made before 1992 aren’t allowed, because that's when I hit a foul ball off my own face in little league. I can't remember much of anything before then.

So, you could argue that this list isn't based on all the movies in history, but I can't be too sure anything happened if I wasn't there. I won’t judge anything based solely on ignorance and public opinion. If a tree falls in the forest and I don’t hear it, then that movie probably sucked. Now, on to the list, which can be discussed here.

10. Reservoir Dogs (1992). The film that put Quentin Tarantino on the map. It established his style as a helter skelter, complex, gore-pumping machine of a writer/director. A powerhouse cast only fuel the intensity of this atypical heist film, which features Tarantino’s raw trademarks: snappy wit, unnecessary violence, and jumping sequences. The creative use of soundtrack should also be noted: the characters discuss a radio program (K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the Seventies) in the opening scene, and all of the film’s music is provided from that outlet.

Key Performance: As Mr. Blonde, Michael Madsen plays the calmest loose cannon in the history of cinema. Quotable: Mr Blonde, talking into Marvin’s ear after he cut it off: "Hey what's goin' on? Can you hear that?" Related Link: What Happened to Mr. Pink. An in depth analysis of the final scene, in which the lone surviver of the heist escapes to face an unknown fate.

9. Swingers (1996). John Favreau may have cursed himself a bit by writing this, his first film. Nothing he’s done since has been able to live up to the standard set by Swingers, one of the most successful and praised indie films of all time. Favreau plays Mike, who moves to LA from New York to become an actor… all while suffering through a painful breakup. A babyfaced Vince Vaughn excels as his wingman, a smooth character that knows the ins and outs of the Hollywood scene and tries to pass his knowledge down to the apprehensive Favreau. Mike’s professional and emotional struggles are heartfelt and humorous enough to stray from pathetic, and in the end his good intentions are rewarded much more than the devious ways of the sharks surrounding him.

Key Performance: Vaughn’s Trent Walker is the key to the entire movie. Despite his cocky, snake-like exterior, he provides Mike with the support and friendship most guys wouldn’t think twice to provide a fallen soldier with. Quotable: Trent, encouraging Mike after he loses big in Vegas: “You're a big winner. I'm gonna ask you a simple question and I want you to listen to me: Who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? (grabs Mike's hand and raises his arm in victory like a referee at a championship fight) Mikey, that's who! Mikey's the big winner. Mikey wins.” Related Link: The Sports Guy’s Swingers References. A nice little index I found of the most notable mentions of Swingers by ESPN’s Bill Simmons. Although there are literally thousands more.

8. Army of Darkness (1993). The third installment of the Evil Dead series, this movie whips my testicles up into a frenzy. The plot, animation, and script are absolutely horrible, but Bruce Campbell is the man as Ash Williams. Ash gets trapped in the 13th century, and basically has to fight his way out using his 20th century knowledge and fighting tactics. He whips the asses of many a foe, including an army of hilariously unimpressive, simulated skeletons, and two characters played by himself: Evil Ash and Mini Ash.

Key Performance: Campbell, as the shotgun-toting, chainsaw-armed Ash. Quotable: Ash, in a moment of passion: “Gimme some sugar, baby.” Related Link: Army of Darkness: The best movie ever. Maddox’ synopsis of the same flick.

7. Office Space (1999). Who knew the same guy that created adolescent misfits Beavis and Butthead (Mike Judge) would have such a grasp on grown up humor as well? Anyone who’s worked in an office environment can relate the characters and situations in this comedy to those in their everyday life. And even if you haven’t been restricted to a cubicle, the movie is still hilarious. Largely because the realm of office situations had never been cinematically reamed before, so the humor doesn't seem recycled at all. Plus Jennifer Aniston is really hot.

Key Performance: Ron Livingston (who plays Rob in Swingers, as well) is Peter Gibbons, the apathetic, ambitionless drone who -- thanks to hypnotic suggestion -- finally decides he’s going to rebel and stop going to work. Somehow, it pays off. Quotable: Gibbons’ officemate, on why it sucks to be named Michael Bolton: “There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 12 years old and that no talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammy’s.” Related Link: Bill Lumbergh Soundboard. All the sayings of the boss everyone’s had - or will have someday.

6. Kill Bill: Volumes One and Two (2003/2004). These movies can’t be rated separately, because they were originally filmed as one. Luckily, Tarantino opted to split the film in half rather than cut any of it out. I can’t imagine what scenes he could have possibly deleted. Volume One is regarded as a legendary action film and wonderful tribute to all those of the same genre, but merely set the table for Volume Two, which -- after complicating it a lot more -- tied together Volume One’s complex plot. Stick two movies together that are awesome for different reasons, and you've got yourself an instant classic. To even touch on the storyline would result in this summary far exceeding its one paragraph limit, but here you go: A kickass Uma Thurman wants a guy named Bill to eat sword.

Key Performance: This script was written completely for Thurman, who plays The Bride (AKA Black Mamba, AKA Bleeeep, AKA Beatrix Kiddo, AKA Mommy), and it shows. She’s unreal. Quotable: Hattori Hanzo, after making a sword for The Bride: “I can tell you with no ego that this is my finest blade. If, on your journey, you should encounter God... God will be cut.” Related Link: Kill Bill Study Guide. Just in case you’ve seen Vol. 1 and need a little prepping before checking out Vol. 2.

5. Dumb and Dumber (1994). The greatest comedy of all time. Especially when you consider the script wasn’t even that good. Almost all of the humor comes from the ad-libbed banter between Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. The film received plenty of media backlash upon its release, and was instantly labeled the poster child for Hollywood’s decaying intelligence. But anyone who’s seen the movie knows: it’s nothing but absolute, unparalleled, comedic genius. Otherwise TBS wouldn’t be airing it 57 times a day until the end of time. The only blemish on this movie’s legacy is a completely unnecessary sequel, for which several people should be killed.

Key Performance: Obviously Carrey makes this movie, but Daniels should be commended for keeping up. The guy wasn’t even considered a comedian before this film, and probably still isn’t, yet somehow he managed not to get left in the dust by Carrey’s whirlwind of laughs. Quotable: Daniels’ character, Harry Dunne: “According to the map, we’ve only gone about four inches.” Related Link: Dumb and Dumber Tuxedos. Everyone says they’re going to get these before they’re done with high school, but no one ever does because their dates won’t have any of it. Someone do it for all the whipped, just-trying-to-get-laid-on-prom-night guys out there!

4. Fight Club (1999). Looking for an escape from the anti-mercurial fall of testosterone in Hollywood? Fight Club is the antithesis of metrosexuality. Great moments have spread throughout the careers of Brad Pitt and Ed Norton like cancer, but their performances in Fight Club lay everything else they’ve done to waste. Norton plays a character only described in the credits as “Narrator,” and Pitt is his soap selling, carefree alter-ego, Tyler Durden (if you haven’t seen the movie, you deserved to have that spoiled). Fed up with the monotony of his rat race life, Norton resorts to self help groups -- groups designed to help people with problems/diseases he doesn’t have -- in desperation, because “When people think you’re dying, they really, really listen to you.” He soon “meets” Durden, and the underground Fight Club they form changes things forever.

Key Performance: Pitt, whose chiseled, blithe, philosophical, fuck-machine of a character does the impossible: makes Norton an afterthought. Quotable: Durden: “Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” Related Link: Durden for America! This site was actually created by my buddy Josh, and promotes Pitt’s character in ’04. I'm considering writing him in - maybe you should, too.

3. Pulp Fiction (1994). Only Tarantino could make this many storylines work at once. A pair of lovers attempt a spontaneous diner robbery, two hit men ferociously collect debts for their boss, a prideful boxer runs for his life, and they all intertwine beautifully. Pulp Fiction had an impact beyond the theatres: it saved careers (John Travolta should be praying to Tarantino, not the Scientology Gods, because he could very well be filming Look Who’s Talking 9 right now), made careers (Uma was nominated for an Oscar), and yet still managed to lose every fucking award imaginable to to a southern retard (Forrest Gump).

Key Performance: Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield. Anyone who has “Bad Motherfucker” printed on his wallet and recites bible verses before blowing people's brains out is a… well, a bad motherfucker. Quotable: The Wolf, a fix-all character played by Harvey Keitel who’s brought in out of the blue: “Just because you are a character doesn't mean that you have character.” Related Link: Which Pulp Fiction Character are You? I’m Jules. I rule almost as much as this movie.

2. The Big Lebowski (1998). Bowling buddies Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, and Steve Buscemi seek restitution for The Dude’s rug, which gets whizzed on at the beginning of the movie by Nihilists seeking money. Too bad they're digging into the pockets of the wrong Lebowski - a much less ambitious, albeit poorer, Lebowski. Both subtle and in-your-face one-liners clash amongst creative camerawork, keeping the film fresh no matter how many times you’ve seen it. In all facets, this movie was put together perfectly by the Coen brothers.

Key Performance: Goodman, as immensely bitter Vietnam vet Walter Sobchak, gives the movie a shot of adrenaline in nearly every scene. Quotable: The Dude, on what he does for recreation: “Oh, the usual. Bowl, drive around. The occasional acid flashback.” Related Link: The Dude’s House. It's under construction at the moment, but easily the most complete TBL resource.

1. Freddy Got Fingered (2001). While most consider the term “a Tom Green comedy” an oxymoron (including my friend Ben, who repeatedly pointed out during his first viewing that, “This wouldn’t be funny if I wasn’t drunk.”), it couldn’t be more redundant in this case. Freddy Got Fingered is the only movie I’ve seen that meets all the criteria of a cinematic masterpiece: a grown man crawling inside an animal corpse, the licking of a human flesh wound, the biting of a live umbilical cord, Shaquille O’Neal, a crippled woman orgasming as a bamboo stick is slammed into her lifeless shins, breakfast meats strapped to a keyboard, the stroking of more than one animal penis, Anthony Michael Hall, a father drunkenly telling his son to fuck him, a hostage situation, violent cartoons, a grown man checking into a center for molested children… I could go on but I don’t want to ruin the good stuff. Go buy it! If you watch it, and don’t like it, then you’re probably not smart enough to understand the complexities of this work of pure movie magic.

Key Performance: Most of Green’s antics wouldn’t be nearly as funny if his volatile dad (a hilarious Rip Torn) wasn’t there to go apeshit. Quotable: Green’s girlfriend, Betty: “But Gord, I don't care about jewels. I just want to suck your cock.” Related Link: IMDB’s Bottom 100 Movies. FGF is rated #93 by the users of the site, who come to IMDB because they don’t know anything about movies.

Honorable Mention: None.

FIRST AND FOREMOST: This post is dedicated to Warren, a GorillaMask reader from Idaho who I’ve been exchanging somewhat weekly e-mails with for almost two months. A little over a week ago, he had a pretty nasty spill on a 4-wheeler, during which he severely damages both of his legs. A couple days later the doctors finally decided it was best to take them clean off. I like to think I’m a pretty sensitive guy, but I figured the last thing he wanted to hear was some inspirational bullshit.

So I sent Warren the following short e-mail yesterday morning, and when he replied he said, “it made me laugh for the first time since I can remember.” He went on to say I had to post it on the website, and I was a bit apprehensive because it may piss some people off, but he said if it didn’t offend him it shouldn't offend anyone else. So, at his request...

Ten Reasons Warren is Better Off Without Legs

1. You’ll rarely hear anyone bitch about stupid, pointless shit anymore. I’ll be damned if anyone ever complains about their life to someone without legs. If someone slips up and tries to cry to you about their girlfriend breaking up with them, just say “Oh yeah, well my fucking FEMURS broke up with me. Deal with it, asshole.”

2. Handicapped Parking. Handicapped Parking. Handicapped Parking...

3. If they make a movie about your life, your character will only have one other person to battle for the “Most Loveable Handicapped Person Named Warren” Award. ("HAVE YOU SEEN MY BASEBALL!?!")

4. You’re unique. No one knows what it’s like to be in your shoes. Mostly because you don’t wear any… but who needs details?

5. You’re a really funny guy, but after losing your legs I doubt people will put any added pressure on you to become a stand up comedian.

6. You know those workout commercials that say “Perfect body in half the time?” Well, for you that should be pretty easy.

7. I'm pretty sure no one will ask you to do manual labor ever again. No more yardwork. No more helping friends move. Just good, quality time spent between your ass and a cushion.

8. I can't understand why handicapped people never win major video game competitions. They're not out climbing rocks or playing actual sports... why not master the art of the video game? This is now my personal goal: to make you the ultimate Madden player. You could memorize formations, playbooks, tendencies, everything. If you get one of those little motorized carts, there's gotta be a way to plug a PS2 into it.

9. Have you seen the handicapped seating at ballparks and movie theatres these days? It's unreal, and during certain events I've become insanely jealous of the wheelchaired. If I'd brought an axe to some of the Mariner games I've attended over the years... I'd definitely be in your situation right now.

10. If you beat off in the shower, you won't have to deal with the only frustrating thing about that situation: washing the load out of your leghair.

Hell, after writing that, I don't think I want my legs anymore. Warren, you can have them.

The results of me disabling the comments have been just as I suspected: less bantering bullshit on my website and many more relevant and interesting e-mails regarding not just my articles, but lots of other random crap. So the Mailbag feature I said I’d get off the ground about a month ago just got a huge boost. I gave it the title of a weekly feature, but we’ll see how things go. It’s more up to you than it is me – I’ll write about anything, given the chance. If you want your question to appear next week, send something original to ryan@gorillamask.net. And if you’re still pissed about the comments being disabled, I added a category in the forums for members to use. Time to shutup. Without further ado…

--When does the new Mailbag feature finally kickoff?

Right now.

--Your piece on car stereos got me thinking about my own ride, which I haven’t washed in months. I’m too lazy to do it. What’s the longest I can go without washing my car and still keep things respectable?

Theoretically, maybe forever. Washing my car is one of my least favorite things to do, so this question hits close to home. Two tips I can give you to avoid it at all costs:

1) If your vehicle is small like mine, abuse the free windshield washing utensils at gas stations. While your gas is pumping, wipe down as much of your car as you can with that soapy little squeegee thing. What are you doing that’s so important while your gas is pumping anyway? That’s right, nothing.

2) Use floormats to your advantage. Rather than actually clean the floor of your car, simply pick the mats up and place them over the trash. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you eventually the rising floor on the driver’s side becomes a problem -- especially if you drive a clutch -- so you’ll probably have to clean that side out eventually. But if you execute this maneuver correctly on the passenger side, whoever’s riding shotgun will soon have the equivalent of an ottoman anytime they ride with you. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t love an ottoman? You’ll get all the chicks.

--You seem to have an opinion on everything. So why don’t you ever talk about politics on your site? Too risky for you? Afraid you’ll lose viewers, pussy?

If I had a Frequently Asked Questions page, this would be one of the first questions on there. My rationalization is simple:

Everyday I hear two or more people get in a dispute over some political issue. Which one of them knows more? Doesn’t matter. Neither of them knows everything, and neither of them is going to give in. I'm definitely not going to be one of those ignorant assholes - fighting and clawing through an unwinnable battle, sticking my neck out on issues I don’t know all the facts on.

But since it’s an election year, I guess I’ll break down and let you know who I’m voting for and why (can’t wait to see the e-mails this generates…). In 2000, I voted for Bush. Partly because when Gore said he invented the internet, he lost more of my respect than Clinton did when he lied about his sexual escapades in the White House. That’s right, you can lie about women, but not my precious World Wide Web. That reasoning right there should show you how much I care and know about politics. This time, I’ll be voting for John Kerry. By default. This site sums up why. It also helps that I've seen his daughter's nipples. Someone alert the Bush twins!

--What’s the guiltiest pleasure available on the internet? Besides porn.

I thought long and hard about this one for about 30 minutes on the way home from work tonight. Which sucks because my exit is 20 minutes into the drive, and I missed it. I’m not completely familiar with the area yet, so finding my way home looked to be quite the disaster. Luckily, I stumbled across an In-N-Out Burger during my adventure, home of the greatest food known to man. I stopped in, ordered #2, and asked someone for directions. I felt like a retard.

Which reminds me, I’m supposed to answering a question here, and the answer is Tard Blog. Take it from someone who does both: I’d much rather get caught looking at porn at work than laughing at Tard Blog. It just feels wrong. Sometimes I even lock the doors to both my room and apartment just so no one will see me laughing at mentally handicapped kids. Although the original URL is no longer available, and it’s no longer updated, you can still check out the archived site here.

--A Mary Kate and Ashley sandwich or a Lindsey Lohan and Hilary Duff sandwich?

Easy. The benefits of the Olsen Twin sandwich would be: sex with two hotties, and the off chance I might knock one of them up – which could result in us landing at an altar somewhere and me never working again. And to be honest, who wants to bring Hilary Duff and Lindsey Lohan together? NOT ME. That feud seriously has RP's Divorce Theory written all over it.

RP's Divorce Theory is something I came up with a while back. It says when two people feud (i.e. divorced parents), almost everyone else can benefit in a sinful way. A divorce is, obviously, the best example of the theory at work. Children of divorced parents get two Christmas’, twice the birthday presents, and twice the amount of pretty much everything good. Friends of the couple get their pals back. Lawyers make a living off those situations.

More Divorce Theory examples: When a young, emotional couple breaks up, that leaves two people on the rebound for sexual predators to take advantage of. When alcohol fuels testosterone and two guys get into it, we get to watch a kickass bar fight. When Larry Bird and Magic Johnson developed their intense rivalry, the NBA was at its best (The only sin there is the fact Kurt Rambis is somewhere wearing multiple championship rings. Oh, and Magic Johnson used his fame to have a lot of random sex and acquire AIDS.).

And most importantly, when Lindsey Lohan and Hilary Duff hate each other, there reaches a point when one of them falls behind in popularity, gets desperate, and poses nude. I’m willing to make the ultimate sacrifice -- sex with the Olsen Twins -- to ensure that happens for you guys.

--Maybe you can help me out here… is the person in this photo a guy or a girl?

There’s no way in hell I’m opening that attachment.

--Who’s the best looking actress who’s never appeared nude on screen? And who’s the hottest one that has gotten naked? Hook me up with some photos.

Funny you should ask that, because I think Mr. Demigod (Brad Pitt) is banging both of them, and I’m trying to convince myself that’s not the reason they both turn me on.

Not that I pay attention to actresses who aren’t naked, but Jennifer Aniston is easily the hottest to never appear nude. She had a yawn-inducing sex scene in The Good Girl, and everyone tried to point out a nipple slip, but that’s not nudity if you ask me.

As far as actresses who have appeared nude, I’ll shove all my chips to the middle of the table and put Angelina Jolie against whoever else you might be considering. And she doesn’t just get nude in her movies, she gets nasty.

Here’s a gallery of some screen shots I have of her appearing naked in various films.

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Death Pool entries are due TODAY. I have 80 to type up, and I'm only doing it once.

Today’s my 22nd birthday. My candles better not be the only things getting blown. Those flamers.

(United States) -- With US officials releasing information Tuesday that another terrorist attack could occur as early as this summer, most of the nation is holding its collective breath. Some citizens, however, feel more shafted than scared. Americans on the West Coast are expressing concern that terrorists have fallen into a trap the national media has long been setting to make the other side of the country look more appealing. The so called “East Coast Bias.”

According to security officials, possible terrorist targets include the Democratic convention in Boston, the Republican convention in New York, and the National Mall in Washington, D.C.

“Obviously it’s something you never want to see happen in your country, let alone in your own backyard,” said Ben Ford, who manages a 7-11 in Spokane, WA. “But it would be nice to at least get some consideration.”

Some citizens weren’t quite so forgiving, even citing specific examples of the American media glorifying the East Coast when it was conceivably undeserved. In their eyes, the constant attention given to one side of the country has made the other half almost non-existent in the eyes of tourists, foreigners, and especially terrorists.

“Typical,” grumbled Erik Johnson, a 43-year old investment banker from Los Angeles. “From CNN to ESPN, it’s all a bunch of brainwash bullsh-t. All we hear about all f---ing summer and fall is Red Sox this, Yankees that. Combined, it’s been 89 years since those a--holes won a World Series. My Angels take home the trophy in 2002 and it’s considered a f---ing fluke? That makes me want to puke. And now it’s spread to the Middle East. I guess even a turban can’t separate original thoughts from those forced upon you by the American media monster. The camel f---ers are the last people I thought would lack the ability to think for themselves. F---ing towelhead posers.”

Nashika Wayans-Jones, who recently moved from San Diego to Queens, was just as quick to criticize the media for the West Coast’s lack of terrorist appeal. “Oh hell no. I’ve been watching this sh-t develop for years. The West Side gets no mothaf-ckin’ respect. The press make it seem like heaven on earth over here, but the truth is it's nothing special. I should have figured that out when the media started making Biggie and Tupac comparisons. MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, they’re all so quick to put those two in the same sentence. Why, because they both rapped and took a bullet or two? How can you compare the best flowing n-gga of all time to a guy who sounded like he was choking on fish tacos? Thanks to Kurt Loder's gay ass, I’ll be spending Memorial Day Weekend turning my basement into a bomb shelter.”

Calls to Al-Qaeda’s head publicist were not immediately returned, but a statement was released late Tuesday night by translators at the highly regarded Afghani Social Service for Handling and Addressing Terrorist Situations (A.S.S.H.A.T.S.):

We want to assure the citizens of America that we are an equal opportunity terrorist group. When we plan our attacks, we do not discriminate by race, religion, and certainly not by location. Hell, we rarely have a reason for half the stuff we do. Remember what happened in 2001? It’s not like anyone deserved that. But we were bored, so we had an intern throw a couple darts at a map, sent a few warnings to President Bush that we’d be doing damage to those locations, and got to work.

-GorillaMask News Services