MADE, the Lost Episode.
I wanna be a Ball Room Dancer.
I wanna be a Varsity Wrestler.
I wanna be Molested by a Catholic Priest.
I wanna be...
I Want to be Made
Today I take a step away from writing my usual bullshit to report a most tragic event, the Producers of the wildly inappropriatly named Music Television Network have pulled the plug on MADE, a show focusing on teenagers who have reached unheard of levels of suck; detailing every hilarious aspect of said levels of suck as they try to accomplish some sort of mismatched 'turn Bush into a Muslim' task, and have an entire school, family, and city pretend at the end of each episode that the lovable loser stepped just beyond his or her inordinate level of suck into Stefan from Family Matters suck. Now while the producers of MTV insist that the cancellation was due to poor ratings, I dug where few journalists (or newfound owners of the "Large Rasta"
and spare time") dare to dig; and what I have unraveled will shock you as many times over as the UPS man asked me what Lil Marley was for.
As it turns out, fear of negative publicity of a Made gone horribly wrong pressured the Producers to immiediately deny any connection with the show or especially its final and unaired episode "I Want To Read."
Let me introduce you to the first life that was both ruined and exploited by MTV; reader, meet 17 year old Cory Williams. Cory, your typical semi-retarded southerner in an 'I find the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Funny' sort of way began his episode with a tear jerking video about how the harsh cycle of drug abuse has killed his father, corrupted his mother, and left his 12 year old sister pregnant. With tears of salt and generic beer running down his unwashed face, Cory pleads to MTV that the ability to read would help him destroy the dead end path that he is stuck on. Without hesitation, the MTV producers felt that Cory's story would be a smash hit, especially with the new format for season 6 featuring former stars with recurring drug addictions; with that, the infamous Bobby Brown was assigned to be Cory's new MADE coach.
For Bobby Brown, the idea of helping out dim-witted southerners came about during a conversation he had two years ago with his children - Landon, 18; La Princia, 16; Bobby Jr., 14; and Bobby Kristina, 12. "I was in jail, and they were like 'Dad, your friend Flavor Flav (editor's note - YEEEEAAAAAHHH Boooooooooi!!!) has a reality show," he recalled. " 'When you get out, you should do a reality show.' " Upon his release, Mr. Brown eagerly accepted the offer from MTV executives to help out young Cory. In order to teach the troubled youth how to read, Brown felt that it would be best for him to move in and be his 4th son, Whitey Bobby Brown. Somewhere between thirteen and seventeen minutes later, things started to fall apart.
Under the pressure of investigators, Whitey later admitted, little focus was spent on teaching me to read. In fact, I don't know if that ever came up, all I felt was uncomfotable. When asked, he explained one such scenario: "In a voice that is meant to be sultry, Mr. Brown asks his wife, "Can I impregnate you while mother fucking Whitey tapes it?" To which she quickly responds, "You tried to impregnate me all last week what do we need that mother fucking illiterate honkey for?" If that wasn't startling enough, in one of the episode's most uncomfortable moments, Mr. Brown freely discusses how he helped relieve his constipated wife as he screams at the renamed Cory "don't mother fucking complain son, Daddy wouldn't have his mother fucking hands up whitney's mother fucking ass if you could learn to read the mother fucking label for the mother fucking beano you dumb mother fucker." And then it happened, Cory ran outside clearly in a disturbed state, trying to work the speak N spell he salvaged from a drunk yard, when Princess strutted by.
Apparently, Cory could not get his mentor's haunting advice out of his head, "Can I impregnate you, can I mother fucking impregnate you?" and Cory proceeded to have his way with Princess. Just days later, Princess died. The dog's owner Sylvia Jones says, "At first when it happened, I couldn't eat or sleep every morning I'm waking up thinking Princess is there but she's not. Princess's little dog house is empty now. Sylvia Jones says she died of internal bleeding this past Sunday because of the rape. "The vet told me she had a little blood in her urine and that she was bleeding inside." Because of the horrific consequences of this failed Made attempt, the show will is now history like Princess and Cory Williams virginity once he gets convicted of the harshed charges of rape and animal cruelty possible. For shame Bobby Brown, for shame, may the images of the sleepy eyes of Princess and the lazy eyes of Cory haunt you forever...