A Thanksgiving Day Miracle
Much like in the wildly underrated movie South Land Tales, our Hero awakens in a barren wasteland with no memory of his past, only he’s much, much naked-er.
After pushing himself far past the point of dehydration and crawling for what seemed like 13-14 minutes, our hero spots something peculiar in the distance that inexplicably draws a smile to his face.
??????? – Damn I look sexy with this bandeeza around my neck.
?????? – WHO DARE INTRUDE ON THE KINGDOM OF FOXY McAWESOME?, no I don’t really talk like that, but who the hell are you? You do realize that this is an abandoned wasteland right? By the way, the names Foxy McAwesome, and you are incredibly fortunate to meet me.
Grant Hill – HOLY SHIT, A GIANT TALKING FOX!?!
Foxy McAwesome – Holy shit, an alarmingly naked black man. You aren’t going to get anywhere in this world with an attitude that consists of hyperbole and an excessive use of exclamation marks, especially in your current attire.
Grant Hill – Well Mister McAwesome, I’m Grant Hill, former NBA all star and future Insurance Claims Adjuster, I have no where to go and now possess androgynous genitalia.
Foxy McAwesome - Wow, that is some androgynous genitalia ya got there buddy...
Grant Hill - Exactly, please help me return home and reclaim my genitalia!!!
Foxy McAwesome - Actually I'd be more worried about all those bumps surfacing on your inner thigh, and what did I say about those exclamation marks.
Grant Hill - You're mistaken, my skins just peeling from crawling in this damned desert and... wait, you can't see exclamation marks if I'm just talking to you!!!
Foxy McAwesome - What a tool, you've managed to tear down the 4th wall in only the first act, and do you want my help or not mister HPV?
Grant Hill - Fine, my apologies, what can I do to get home!?.. and like 60% of sexually active persons over 16 have HPV....
Foxy McAwesome - I think you listen to Dr. Drew too much, but only the great Turk Pumpofsky, the spirit of Thanksgiving around these parts, has the power to send you home. Unfortunately, a total douche bag from the paleolithic era named Raef has him locked up in his hidden lair.
Grant Hill - Well then, point me to the direction of this Raef character and I will show him what the diplomacy of Duke graduate can accomplish!!
Foxy McAwesome - Just head north for about 7 feet, take a right through the kitchen, and down the stairs and it'll be your first left... It should only take you about 3-4 days, but the sooner your relentlessly happy ass gets out of here, the better.
Grant Hill - (With an eerie spirit of exuberance) MY DAD JUST DIED!!!
Raef - How dare Awesome McFoxy reveal the whereabouts of my secret hideout to that perfectly 5 o'clocked shadowed douche bag.
Hot Pocket - Don't forget about his perfect abs Raef, men with scarfs are known to be fools for physical fitness.
Raef - Hey, Hot Pocket, SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. You do realize you only made it into this story because you cost under a dollar right? You dress like an idiot, and you wear a helmet on your head because you struggle getting into 4-doors; you're hanging on by a thread... Back to business, we need to contain this Grant Hill Character before he foils my attempt to ruin Thanksgiving.
Hot Pocket - Fine fine.. but Raef, why do you hate Thanksgiving?
Raef - Why don't you just wikipedia it jackass? Millions of years ago at the 1st Thanksgiving, a certain group of animals managed to evolve. The dinosaurs were all like, "sweet, fresh meat", but it wasn't sweet, not even tart. These creatures brought with them a disease that wrecked havoc on the way of the dinosaur... just as the last of my kind were dying off, these creatures commemorated the event by celebrating with a grand feast of our dead bodies and were sporting horrific fashion choices consisting of the most horrid suits and buckles you have ever seen. Seriously, think Saved by the Bell season 1 meets the goth kids, the shit just didn't fly.
Hot Pocket - Gotcha, sound's like somebody has mommy issues...
Raef - Shut your mouth, my mother was a saint!, well, as much as a saint as any woman who devoured an entire family of baby seals could be, but whatever. Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons, my most trusted assassin, is holding Miss Tisdale captive in the mountains just beyond the desert. I need you to warn him of Grant Hill's presence and ensure that Miss Tisdale remains under our control.
Hot Pocket - Ain't no thing but a chicken wing boss.
Raef - I hate everything about you.
Turk Pumpofsky - How terrible. I'm being held captive by a guy named Raef and a 12 year old who is probably only allowed to eat with sporks, and my fate rests in the hands of a nudist who egregiously relies upon over the top positivity. Oh, and I could be the most half assedly designed deity ever. To make matters worse, this secret lair smells like pomegranate...
Raef - What's wrong with the scent of the pomegranate?
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons - Miss Tisdale, how soft is Zac Efron's hair? It appears that it is always ATLEAST twice conditioned.
Ashley - How many times have we been over this Neil, I'm willing to talk about anything except Zac Efron and celebrity nip slips.
Nolan Fiztgerald Simmons - It's Just, well, uhhh, I didn't always want to be an assassin. I wanted to sing, I wanted to command the stage. But then carpal tunnel syndrome took my mothers life, and my father never much supported my theatrical endeavors, nor proper grammatical syntax. It was then that I met Raef, who also was debilitated by Carpal Tunnel and was not fully pose-able. I just knew that by following him I could one day land a minor role in something special.
Ashley - Um, you're like an inch to an inch and a half tall, the purple tie was a horrible idea, and you're starting to pudge out... maybe, MAYBE if you put on 20-30 pounds you could provide comedic relief, but even then your timing is atrocious.
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons - What a bitch.
Ashley - Did you hear something?
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons - Yeah, I heard Miley Cyrus is dating a twenty year old, which means yours truly has a chance.
Uhhhhhhh... You know Hot Pocket, really, you just run in here screaming in front of Miss Tisdale and I, have you ever considered behaving in a professional manner? And what did I tell you last time, get rid of that ridiculous visor, you look like Buzz Lightyear's aborted cousin.
Hot Pocket - Whatever, the helmet's my ten percent. You should see me when I go to the clubs, the ladies can't get enough of it, but more importantly Raef sent me to warn you that a naked, former NBA all star has entered our universe and is headed this way.
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons - Oh god, can't Dennis Rodman just give it up already, his period of relevancy is over?
Hot Pocket - Actually it's Grant Hill, Boss wants you to stunt his bitch ass.
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons - Stunt his bitch ass? Can you hear yourself? You are definitely the character most likely to face an early demise. Just make sure nothing disturbs Miss Tisdale's restrictive force field.
Hot Pocket - Sooooo, what's your favorite website for looking up Celebrity Nip Slips???
Somewhat Concurrently in a different location...
Captain Oats II & TCL(unison, although somewhat off beat) - Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze
It means no worries for the rest of your days
Captain Oats II - Wait, isn't this some kind of copyright infringement?
TCL - hmmm... ... ... Ahh! AAAAHhhhhh!!... ... Oh!Oh!...
Captain Oats II and TCL(Unison, wildly off pitch) - Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up come on get down with the sickness
TCL (screeching loudly) - Madness is the gift, that has been given to me!!!
Grant Hill - While I appreciate the moral boosting power of a good tune, could I bother you gents for some help!?!
TCL - What's the word, a word up?
Captain Oats II - Excuse my friend, TCL, ever since Raef banished the two of us to wandering aimlessly for "butchering" Holy Diver at Karaoke night, he's been a little disconnected.
Grant Hill - Outstanding, I'm looking to conquer this Raef character with the fundamentals and discipline that have been associated with all products from the Coach K system.
Captain Oats II - Um, yeah, maybe 13 years ago, but now Duke players are associated with drinking Smirnoff Lites and playing SoCom III for hours on end.
Grant Hill - Sniffle.
Grant Hill - Fine, fine, but will you help me rescue Turk Pumpofsy, return home, and restore the order of thanksgiving to this land? I know we can if we work as a team!!
Captain Oats II - I will give you my best, and besides, this is the only way I'll get air time, so might as well.
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmmons - I suggest you reconsider your yet to be considered plan, douche bags!
TCL - BAIL.
Captain Oats II - And that's why your name is The Cowardly Lion.
Grant Hill - But that's ridiculous, he's some sort of Monkey!!!
Captain Oats II - Shouldn't we argue about the semantics of naming a monkey The Cowardly Lion at another time, last I saw we had a stale character with a large gun threatening us...
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons - Taste the wrath of my plastic being hurled towards you at speeds of up to 9 mph
Captain Oats II - MY LEG!!!
Did someone call for Awesome McFoxy?!
Nolan Fitzgerald Simmons - Oh pancakes... At least I should acquire a number of inquiries about appearing on the talk show circuit for those who have been dismembered by stylish woodland creatures...
Awesome McFoxy - Yeah, I'm Foxy, and totally AWE-SOOOME!
Captain Oats II - No, it would have been awesome if you didn't wait for grand entrance and blew up that guy before I lost my leg. Oh, and FYI, that bandanna is entirely dated... entirely.
Grant Hill - Hush, Hush, Captain Oats II, I will have none of that negativity, we survived, we have work to do, and Awesome McFoxy looks exquisite.
Awesome McFoxy - Exactly, and there is work to be done. You two must carry on and rescue Miss Tisdale, for she knows the code that will release Pump Turkofsky from Raef's incessant maniacal political rants... and it's getting late, I have better things to be doing.
Raef - I'm telling you, Ron Paul is the old white man's answer to Barack Obama.