Editors Note - This tale was forwarded to me from someone who sent Juan a joke email and got this as the response, and so begins the saga of the Taiwanese Melon...

(the email)Dear Juan from Thailand,
I am a young man living in eastern Washington, where there doesnít seem to be a woman for fifty miles! All I have out here are cows, my hand, and my fatherís watermelon plantation. Recently I decided to become a raw food vegetarian in order to cleanse my colon of the putrefying effects of eating emasculated cooked foods and inhaling pesticides. As such, Iíve given up fucking animals. Do you know of any way I can craft a serviceable vagina from a watermelon, and if so, how would I go about making it with the melon? Sincerely, Kevin Trout

(the response)How-dee Kevin!
You are writing to right person! There is nothing as easy, and as satisfying, than giving it to gourd on hot summer day! So refreshing, so pleasurable, and so hard to get those seeds out of urethra! But never mind, let us begin!

STEP ONE: Find watermelon! I prefer petite melon, 5 to 7 kilogram (that is 12 or 15 of your American style pound), but if you like big booty like in black man music video, maybe 15 kilogram watermelon might do you better. The rest is very easy. All you need to do is make hole with knife where you will put inside penis. Making it a little smaller than actual size of penis will increase sensations.

STEP TWO: Now you have to have the foreplay with the melon to get it ready for the intercourse. You must not jump into it with the penis, but instead make melon start to want you by stroking the slick skin and licking nice around hole until some of the sweet juice come down. Maybe try to nibble some seeds out of melon, because sometimes problem with seeds during intercourse.

STEP THREE: If your first time, you want to start with you on top, holding yourself up with your arm, and enjoy all-time classic position Missionary Style. Thrust gently, and slowly increase rhythm until you are bored.

STEP FOUR: Versatile is melon, and you might make it with melon like doggy style. It is good exercise for your upper back and tricep too! You must only to be careful to ďbend at knees, make with melon at ease."

STEP FIVE: Maybe if you lazy on hot summer day, you make melon ride you! Roll on your back and position melon over penis and make it move up and down by moving melon up and down.

STEP SIX: Other activities might include self pleasuring self while you perform meloningus--and syrupy pulp produced by thrusting make for thirst-quenching break during routine!

STEP SEVEN: After you finished exploring melon for the day and when you feeling famished and parched, sliced that bitch in two!

STEP EIGHT: And for you raw food vegetarian Kevin, bask in glow of sexual satisfaction and enjoy a taste and healthy snack!

Editor's conclusion - If you take just one thing away from the story of the tale of the Taiwanese Melon, let it be that the stereotype that asians have rediculously small penises is completely true, and with them being armed with only ill-equiped penises, we have no reason to fear them and we collectively need to feel sympathetic towards them. Just imagine how insecure Kim Jong Ill and (very) 'lil Kim Jong Ill must be, know this asians, I salute you for waking up everyday and living your life with your teenie weenies, I salute you...